Fuck Fibromyalgia

***This is dedicated to my sisters in chronic pain: Stephanie Bozeman, Sheri Guffey, My Hunnybee Lisa, and Heather who I’ve never even met in person, but love dearly.***

    Before I even begin writing, I am going to warn you that this is gonna be full of curse words. If it offends you, well, tough tits baby. Like I said the other day. . .I earned my gutter mouth like a prison tattoo, and I reserve the right to use it.

    I’m not writing this to throw a pity party. I hate that shit. I am writing this because May 12th is Fibromyalgia Awareness Day. I am writing this because I see so many people with this misdiagnosed by their doctors, smirked at by their doctors, and called lazy or crazy by their friends and families. I’m writing this because I hate that shit more than pity.

    Most people don’t know what Fibromyalgia is. Congratulations. Neither do the doctors. Basically, they know that the neurotransmitters (the part of the brain that is responsible for the “feel good” chemicals: Dopamine, Seratonin, and Norepinephrine) in our brains are scrambled, and it affects our nerves in the biggest muscle groups in the body. They don’t know why it happens, and there isn’t a cure. They think maybe it could be caused by physical and/or emotional trauma, or possibly even caused by a virus. I tend to believe the physical/emotional trauma theory. . .because it rings true for me.

    There are 18 points in the body where the pain or sensitivity of Fibromyalgia manifests: the occipital points (the muscles on either side of the spine at the top of neck at the back, where your head meets your head. This causes blinding, nauseating headaches.), the clavicle area (collar bones), the chest wall muscles, two different points in your shoulder blades, both elbows, lower back at each side of spine, both hips, and insides of both knees. The general rule of thumb is that you have to present pain at 11 of the 18 points, and it must be lateral. I present at all 18 points.

    I’ve been asked how it feels to have Fibromyalgia several times. It feels like on your best days, you’re only running at 75%. You feel like you’re coming down with the flu. You feel tired, and your body aches all over. The worst days feel like the full blown flu. Even your hair aches. Sometimes you even run a fever, and/or have the chills.

    People ask what causes the flares (periods when Fibro symptoms are worse). Usually, for me, it’s weather related. I would like to kick winter straight in the cods. I can also tell you when it’s about to rain, because my muscles lock up tighter than Gitmo during the Bush administration. But it can be something as little as a midget sneezing in South America that causes the flares. Sometimes they just happen. Doing too much can cause them too.

    You get horrible muscle spasms from the smallest things. I got one from stirring pasta. I shit you not. Pasta. I had to go to the doctor for a pain shot, and he said “Well, was the sauce good at least?” I didn’t find it funny, because I couldn’t move my head, and I had been making Lo Mein.

    The pain is just the vanilla ice cream on the Fibro Sundae though. Your short term memory is shot to hell. This is caused by a number of things like lack of sleep because you can never get comfortable, and the medications you take. You do all sorts of hilarious things like forget where you laid things down, forget why you walk in a room, put things that go in the pantry in the fridge and vice versa. . .the fun doesn’t stop.

    Restless leg syndrome comes along with it a lot of times too. RLS is the biggest bitch in the world. Pain I can handle. . .feeling like I have Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches under the skin of my legs drives me to near insanity.

    You also have insomnia. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. Sometimes there’s no good reason for it.

    Sometimes you get a medicine that causes some “mild” side effects like hallucinations. I, myself, have seen spiders, bats, mice, people who aren’t there, and once, a bear. In my bed. That shit is disconcerting. On the bright side, I now know I would not do well on acid or mushrooms.

    The effects aren’t only physical. Anxiety and Depression run rampant in Fibromyalgia patients, understandably. Our bodies have broken down, and it came for our minds too. Thanks a lot for that, Universe.

    But you CAN NOT let it get you down. You pick your dead ass up, and you get shit done anyway. You look this demon in the eye, and you fucking spit at it, because you cannot let it win. I refuse. There are beautiful things in this world and I fucking refuse to miss out on them. You shouldn’t either. C.S. Lewis said “We are not bodies with a soul, we are souls with a body.” This shit eating bastard may have taken my body, but it WILL NOT take my soul.

Never say “fuck my life.”
Say FUCK FIBROMYALGIA!

Peace, love, and pain killers.

Love, Ames

“I’m under a mountain, stuck to this mattress, perfume and valium.”
“Don’t look back my wounded bird, there’s nothing for you here. . .need no wings, just set your mind to fly.”

 ~Chris Robinson